Many people have difficulty managing their angry feelings. This
can lead to difficulties in their relationships with others and
can even result in acts of aggression and physical violence. Needless
to say this can often cause many more problems than it solves, even
though aggression or violence can sometimes make us feel
better in the short term.
Before
we begin learning how to manage anger let’s think about what causes
it – where anger comes from. Understanding what anger is, how it
begins and the part we play in our angry feelings we’ll be much
better equipped to deal with it.
Anger
is the result of two main factors. The first is to do with the physical
feelings we experience in the body – the physiology of anger.
This is exactly the same as the physiology of anxiety – it’s only
our thinking which makes the difference. The physiology of anxiety
has been covered in another handout so I won’t repeat it here. For
more information on this fascinating topic take a look at understanding
anxiety management 1 in this series of handouts.
The
second factor is concerned with out thoughts and expectations, the
way we think about and interpret the situation. This is the
psychology of anger. For example if we see a man hit his son
and believe him to be right in doing so we probably won’t get angry.
On the other hand if we believe that he is being unfair or cruel
we may well become very angry indeed at the thought. It isn’t
what happens which makes us angry so much as the way we think about
what happens.
Many
psychologists would argue that all anger begins with blame.
We get angry at something. It isn’t always easy to work out exactly
what we’re angry at but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Usually
the focus of our anger is obvious but in some cases it takes a little
work to find the exact root of our angry feelings. Most forms of
counseling or psychotherapy are helpful here.
Blame
can be divided into three main categories. To put it another way
there are three main areas in which we can apply blame. These are:
1. The self
This
type of blame is what we call guilt and not only leads to
anger but also depression and a range of self-destructive behaviors.
2. Other people
This
type of blame can result in many forms of anger as well as a wide
range of relationship difficulties.
3
The ‘system’
By
the ‘system’ we mean anything bigger than ourselves, from the laws
of nature to the legal system. It can be something as simple as
the weather we get angry about, blaming the clouds for raining on
us when they ought to have made way for the sun. Remember
that word ought, it’s one of a group of words such as should
or must which we call imperatives. Without imperatives
there can be no blame and without blame anger cannot exist.
This
sounds like a simple explanation – too simple perhaps. Too good
to be true? Please remember that simple doesn’t mean easy.
There’s nothing ‘easy’ about learning to control anger however uncomplicated
the idea may be. Anger management does become easy with
practice but in the beginning it requires hard work and commitment.
The chance to learn anger management is a very real opportunity
to change your life for the better but, like most opportunities,
it comes dressed in working clothes.
A
good way to begin is to ask yourself where the imperatives are.
Whenever you become angry listen to your own thoughts and look for
sentences containing words like should, must or ought.
Also watch out for injunctions like mustn’t, oughtn’t
and shouldn’t. Once you identify these judgments you’ll find
the blame. Then all you need to do is stop blaming.
Yes,
I know it isn’t easy to stop blaming. Most of us have been brought
up to blame ourselves, others or the system and it’s become a thinking
habit. Don’t worry – there’s a simple system we can use based
upon simple empathy and understanding.
Stop
blaming others
There’s
an old North American Indian saying which asks us never to judge
another until we’ve walked a mile in his moccasins. To put it another
way just bear in mind that if you’d been through what he had, been
brought up the same way he had and learned the same lessons and
had the same experiences that he had you’d probably react in exactly
the same way. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything
someone does, simply try to understand why he or she did it. Acknowledging
another person’s faults is one thing – blaming them for it is quite
another.
When
you catch yourself using an imperative or an injunction as an excuse
to get angry ask yourself the one question you won’t want to answer.
Ask yourself why you are wrong. Force yourself to
come up with as many reasons as you can to justify the other person’s
action. As a rule you’ll not only stop blaming them but also alter
your own stance in very many situations.
Stop
blaming the system
Even
if the other person’s action is completely indefensible we still
don’t need to become angry. All we need to do is accept things as
they are and then work to make them better. The world is full of
people who behave inappropriately and even cruelly – that’s just
the way it is. That’s the ‘system’ if you will. The world is
as it is because the world is as it is! You might as
well blame the stars for shining at night or blame a cat for not
being an earthworm. We live in an imperfect world – accept it.
The
way to stop blaming the system is to stop pretending that the world
ought to be other than it is. Who are you trying to kid?
Listen for yourself saying things like ‘things should be better’
or ‘it isn’t fair’. Of course it isn’t fair – it’s life.
Whoever said life should be fair? Life just is. You can either
accept it for what it is or ruin your quality of life blaming
and becoming angry about the system you can never hope to change.
God
grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The
courage to change the things I can
And
the wisdom to know the difference.
Stop
blaming yourself
Have
you ever met the perfect person – I mean really perfect. The one
person in a thousand million who hasn’t any faults; who never made
a mistake or error in judgment? Of course you haven’t because that
person doesn’t exist. We all make mistakes. That’s part of being
human. Part of the system. Making mistakes is how we learn.
If
you blame yourself and become angry because you did something wrong
(made an error in judgment or anything else) then what you’re really
saying is I shouldn’t have made a mistake. Even a criminal
act intentionally committed is actually no more than an error in
judgment. You made a mistake. If you expect yourself not to make
mistakes or judgment errors you actually expect yourself to be more
than human. Who are you, God?
Once
you get it into your head that you’re allowed to make mistakes (whatever
the consequences) – in fact it’s inevitable that you will – the
need for self-blame goes away. Then you can get on with the far
more serious business of living. Of course if you choose to blame
yourself for your mistakes then that’s your right and your business.
Just understand that you’re expecting yourself to be more than you
ever can be and then pulling yourself down for failing. Doesn’t
make much sense really does it?
If
you do decide to work on your anger producing beliefs the list below
may be useful. It shows examples of beliefs and attitudes which
lead to blame and anger together with suggested alternatives. You
may want to go over these suggestions with your counselor or therapist
as well. However remember that not all therapists work the same
way. If yours prefers to try another approach please don’t let this
handout get in the way.
Beliefs
which lead to blame and anger:
The
world should treat me better than this.
Why?
Who said so? The world is what it is and it does what it does. I
can accept reality or I can ruin my life wishing it were different.
I
shouldn’t make mistakes.
I
will make mistakes whether I want to or not. That’s just the way
it is. Believing that I shouldn’t and then blaming myself when I
do is just setting myself up for a fall. It’s better to accept
that mistakes happen and that I can learn and grow from them.
That’s how I develop into a better person for the future.
Other
people should behave the way I want them to.
I’m
not judge and jury. Other people do what they do for their own reasons.
If I disagree with their behavior so be it. I can choose either
to accept it or to take steps to make sure they don’t treat me badly.
Let’s face it most of the things other people do don’t affect anybody
else anyway. When they do I can still take action without getting
bogged down in blame and anger.
Needless
to say there are countless examples of these blame-producing thoughts.
These are just to give you an idea of the sort of things to look
out for. Once you begin practicing this style of thinking you’ll
soon recognize many more. For more information talk to your counselor
or nurse.
RECOMMENDED
READING
Tulloch
R. (1990) in
Dryden
W. & Scott M. – Eds. (1990)
An
Introduction to Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
Liverpool
Personal Service Society / Gale Centre Publications
Loughton
Essex
pp.
79-98
Compliments
of Stuart Sorensen – RMN
