This handout is an introduction to the concept of assertiveness.
It is not intended to replace assertiveness training. What it will
do is provide some information about the nature of assertiveness
and how it differs from other methods of dealing with people.
Most
people confuse assertiveness with aggression or ‘getting my own
way’. True assertiveness, however, is much more than that. Assertiveness
considers the rights and needs of everybody. It assumes
that everyone is equal. Because of this assertiveness can
be thought of as a method of increasing choices for everyone.
When
we are unhappy with a situation we have at least four choices. We
can:
- Accept
the situation
- Be
aggressive
- Be
passive
- Be
Assertive
MOST
PEOPLE BEHAVE IN EACH OF THESE FOUR WAYS IN DIFFERENT SITUATIONS
If
we are happy to accept the situation then all well and good. If
not then we must choose one of the other three options. Let’s look
at these more closely.
Aggression
The
aim of aggression is to get our own way – to win whatever the cost
to other people. Aggression is not interested in the rights, wants
or needs of others. Aggression is usually destructive,
either physically or psychologically. It’s true that people who
behave aggressively often get what they want but aggression has
other results as well.
I
Aggression often breeds aggression. This means that once
people start behaving aggressively with each other it can be
very hard to stop. People start looking for new ways to hurt
each other and before you know it they’re lifelong enemies.
II
Aggression can make us unpopular. Once we get a reputation
for being aggressive people start avoiding us. This may be because
they’re frightened we might turn on them or because they think
we’ll embarrass them by behaving aggressively to other people.
They may also be worried that they’ll lose friends or influence
as people might assume that they are just as aggressive. In
the end, the only friends aggressive people have are people
who are just as aggressive themselves or people who are frightened
of them. They lose out on a lot of friendships because of their
hostility.
III
Aggression discourages people from helping us in the future.
If we force people to do what we want by using aggression they
will probably feel bad about us. This often means they refuse
to help us when we really need them.
IV
Some people believe that behaving aggressively makes others
respect us. It doesn’t, it simply makes them fear us.
Frightened people only do what we want for as long as we are
watching. As soon as our backs are turned they tend to do their
own thing. This makes our aggression a waste of time.
V
Aggression can make us feel good for a short while but is it
worth it?
Passivity
This
means behaving as though other people’s rights matter more than
our own.
Passive
people behave as though they don’t have the right to:
- Have
an opinion. This means that they never take the opportunity
to say what they really think and may end up missing out on things
or going along with others when they don’t really want to.
- Contribute.
Passive people often don’t dare to join in with other people or
voice their opinions. They’re frightened of looking stupid in
front of other people they consider to be more important.
- Be
valued. Passive people often act as though they have no value.
As though they are completely worthless. Sometimes people start
treating them as if they really are worthless which only makes
it harder for the passive person to change.
Let’s
look at the effects of passivity. Passivity usually results
in:
I
Not getting what we want or need. If we don’t join in and
tell others what we actually want we probably won’t get
it. This often results in real unhappiness and may even
be the cause of a much more difficult situation.
II
Less respect from others. If we let people treat us like
doormats they quickly learn to do just that. It’s as though
we actually invite them to treat us in this way. In this situation
people tend not to respect us at all. Most people think
more
highly of people who are prepared to stand up for themselves.
III
Reduced stress in the short term. It is easier to let people
have their own way. In this way we can avoid conflict. But is
it worth it?
Assertiveness
The
aim of assertiveness is to find the best possible solution for all
people. It’s about finding ‘win:win’ solutions. Assertiveness
sees everyone as equal with equal rights and equal responsibilities.
Assertiveness increases the chances of our needs being met.
If we are able to tell people what we want without becoming
aggressive they will be more likely to help us. Also, if they
can’t help us and we are able to accept that without becoming
aggressive they will remain friends.
II
Assertiveness allows us to remain in control. We can
decide for ourselves what we want to do and then seek out opportunities
to do it – or to do something similar. It puts us back in the
driving seat.
III
Assertiveness brings greater self-confidence. As we learn
to take control and see what we can achieve our confidence increases.
This in turn increases our feelings of self worth and self esteem.
We begin to feel better – more effective.
IV
Assertiveness lets us have greater confidence in others.
This is because it also helps others to state their needs and
wants. By dealing honestly and fairly with them we encourage
them to do the same with us.
V
Assertive people have more friends. As we begin to treat
people more fairly they begin to trust us, to like us and to
want to spend more time with us. We make friends who truly respect
us instead of walking all over us (passivity) or fearing us
(aggression).
VI
Reduced stress. The more in control we feel the less stressed
we feel. We don’t need to worry about doing things we’d
rather not. We don’t have to let other people control us. Nor
do we have to worry about trying to control other people. We
have the power to choose our own destiny.
It’s
difficult to learn assertiveness from a book or handout. The
best way is to join a group or talk to a professional person
who specializes in this sort of training. However here are a
few pointers which may help.
- Remember
that there are many ways to interact with others. We can
inform, explain, discuss or simply have a relaxed conversation.
It’s often useful to know in advance precisely how you intend
to interact. For example if you intend to inform another person
of a decision you have made that’s one thing. You don’t necessarily
need to explain it and you certainly don’t need to discuss it
with them unless you choose to. Having a clear idea of the
boundaries which you have set beforehand is extremely useful especially
when dealing with aggression.
- Most
people have absolutely no idea what you are feeling inside.
They only get what you give them. If you look and sound confident
people will believe you are confident. Knowing this makes assertive
interactions much easier. Try it and see for yourself.
Below
are listed some basic human rights. If you work at maintaining these
rights for yourself and for others you will be behaving assertively.
Incidentally the more assertively you behave the more assertive
you become. What you see is what you get.
I
have the right to say "No".
I
have the right not to understand.
I
have the right to make mistakes.
I
have the right to be listened to.
I
have the right to have my needs met.
I
have the right to contribute.
I
have the right to dignity.
I
have the right to make my own decisions.
I
have the right to consideration from others.
Remember
that alongside rights come responsibilities. These are also part
of the assertiveness ethic. For example:
I
am responsible for treating others fairly, honestly and with respect
for their dignity.
I
am responsible for my own actions and their consequences.
I
am responsible for upholding the rights of others whenever I can.
I
am responsible for my own decisions.
I
accept responsibility for my own life. What happens to me is generally
as a result of my own decisions.
I
hope that this brief handout has been useful. There are many organizations
and individuals who would be happy to train you in assertiveness.
Why not contact one of them?
RECOMMENDED
READING
Back
K. & Back K. (1982)
Assertiveness
at Work
McGraw-Hill
Book Company
Maidenhead
Compliments
of Stuart Sorensen – RMN
