(Bipolar Personal Stories)
No new stories will be added to this section. This section will be going down. However if you would like to make a contribution to the Sanctuary, you can send in your story to be included in my new book about the borderline personality disorder and receive a Free copy when it comes out. It will include:
my story
emotional support
my personal thoughts and advice on getting better
resources
research
bpd stories
and much more
Be sure to include "Bipolar: My Story" in the Subject and an address to mail the book.
If you already have a story in this section and would like it to be included in the book, write to me and let me know. I need your permission.
Recently it's come to my attention that I may be bipolar. I'm 19 and living on my own far away from my parents who I sought to escape when I came to college. Depression runs in my family and they have been on my case for ages trying to get me to see someone about it. I decided to do my own research and I was astonished, the symptoms for bipolar read like me own personal rap sheet. All of what I thought were my most endearing qualities are symptoms. I still wasn't sure however, as I didn't seem to match any of the requirements of depressive moods and periods. After talking to my friend however I was shocked to find how many emotional collapses I had had, that I has simply forgotten about. He keeps a journal daily an in it he has letters I've written him when I was certainly on the brink of something. Besides him, my friends haven't taken the information very well, none of them are serious and they think it's just another one of my dramatic stunts. I'm hurt, but I understand where they are coming from, none of them has ever seen past the bright cheerful facade which I wear like a tight suit. Many of them aren't aware of my breakdowns, my suicide attempts, my thoughts of death, memory loss, etc... I've gotten into a terrible cycle of spending every dime I make and not being able to account for it. The other day I checked myself into a psychiatric facility because I didn't want to return to my apartment alone. After four hours of being shuffled around, filling out insurance forms and talking to people, I finally saw a doctor. At the same time, I panicked and fled against their advice. After talking to my doctor I've been referred to several good mental health doctors whom I am going to begin seeing.
At first I was confused and upset, ambivalent and silly about having bipolar. At the same time I am relived. There were so many things up in my head which didn't make sense that now fall into place. I'm confident with a little time and help, I can get things back into order before I completely lose control.
I don't know whether I am at the beginning or the end of my story but here goes.
I am 46 years old, and live in the UK near Wales. As far as I can recollect I have been bi polar all my life, this is decided in hindsight as I have only just been diagnosed BPPD after a lifetime of not knowing whets been happening. Only now can I see the patterns, and things begin to make sense.
Over here mental health is almost a dirty word, and peoples understanding of it can be very ill informed. Today for example I went for an occupational health review to decide whether I count as disabled, and am covered by our countries disability discrimination laws. The MD conducting the review at one point stated, and I quote "You cannot have a mental problem you are far too intelligent" visa vie all mental patients are idiots. And this is the doctor making the decision on my future. Actually I really must have seemed intelligent to the jerk, as I knew more about my condition than he did.
As I say its all new to me, my psychiatrist has offered me lithium treatment or Carbamazepine ( I think), but I am scared of the side effects. I am scared of what I might lose, and that basically is ME. I have never known I was manic, I just thought it was how I was. I knew when I was depressed, but everything else was me. All the women at work know me as a tease with a near the knuckle sense of humor, but luckily they see my OTT as a bit of fun, but in reality I have a major problem controlling myself. Unfortunately the role of my job is changing and I am going to end up dealing with customers outside the cocoon of the company environment where people know and accept my foibles as harmless fun. I will be faced with meeting other young ladies, in a less controlled atmosphere, and I don't trust my self enough not to say or do something wrong, which will end up in a nasty situation.
I have already ruined one marriage with violence and womanizing (again unchecked / un diagnosed mania ) and I have spent 18 years with my second partner fighting these two demons alone. On the former I have won, on the latter I still find it hard to say no (though of late I have managed to say it). God knows I am neither young or good looking, but there is something about my mania that women seem to find enthralling or attractive. Perhaps it offers them an air of danger, or perhaps, from reading your other stories, its just the same romantic illusion they attach to poets and painters.
As I say I don't know whether the diagnosis is the end of a lifetime of suffering story, or the beginning of a new unknown world to come story. Either way its where I am, and at least having read these pages I now know that I am not alone in the world. Also having read many of the qualifications you all hold I am also certain that I can be intelligent and Bi Polar, because you all appear to be.
If any one has any help or examples they can let me have to a) get me through the Lithium decision or b) rub this idiot MD's nose in his discriminatory BS please feel to contact me john.hoskison@bt.com.
Once again thanks for being there tonight as your letters have helped me through a sticky patch, better to type this than another suicide note.
All my love to you all, and god grant that we all find peace and strength in good friends and fellow travelers
John
I have been bipolar for the past 10 years (as far as I remember anyway, although my mother says that I have always been "moody" - who knows?). My behavior has always been extremely erratic, but when I was a teenager my parents probably just chalked it up to being, well - a teenager. It started out harmless enough - I used to change the color of my hair every few weeks (my friends called me the "dye queen" and thought it was actually somewhat funny, but I happen to be very impulsive - and I think I was always trying to be someone else, anybody but me)
When I was 16 years old I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. When I was 18 years old I was diagnosed with Bulimia (I went from weighing 103 lbs and being 5 feet 8 inches, to weighing 160 lbs - then going down to 115 lbs again). I saw a Psychologist at this time in my life (for about two years). She didn't seem to help me much, so I gave up on the whole "talking it out" thing. I figured I would make myself better (I have always been very head strong, and once I made up my mind - no one could change it).
I can't even tell you some of the completely outrageous things I have done while I was in a manic state. Besides, I would be typing all day long if I were to write them all down. Most of the time it was like I was a puppet and someone else was pulling the strings, but in a way that statement makes it seem like I don't want to claim responsibility for my actions which is not what I am trying to say. But my fellow Bipolar suffers, I know you know exactly what I mean by this.
For the most part I consider myself hypomanic, which is good I guess. I am rarely depressed (knock on wood), except for when I am PMSing, but I guess that is somewhat normal. I don't take meds on a regular basis (because I like being hypomanic, that is when I do my best writing and as corny as it may sound, writing is a big part of my life. Without it, I wouldn't be able to be me, and then who would I be?) although if I feel a little depressed, I take a Xanax here and there (I try not to drink, because it either gets me into trouble or I start smoking again, so I try to stick to the Xanax when I am feeling pressure, stress, or depressed) because the depression is what scares me the most - the last time I was severely depressed, I either lost too much weight or gained too much weight. I also tend to hide from the world and not talk to anyone - not even my family (which is what being depressed is, but I tend to be somewhat introverted anyway), which frightens the hell out of me because I always get scared that I'll get stuck in that phase, wallowing in my rock-bottom depression, never able to escape.
Anyway, reading the other stories on this site have made me feel at ease and not so alone. I could completely relate to them, and perhaps some people who visit this site will be able to relate to mine. I am happy to be able to contribute my story and thanks for listening and letting me vent a little of my pent up mania today:)
i am a 43 year old mother of three, (11, 20 and 22 years of age) . i am a web designer and computer technician. my first suicide attempt was at age 6. i have suffered mania and depression all my life. i am completely self-educated as i could never happily exist in group educational experiences. fortunately reading and research have always been my joy and salvation.
for many years i had no idea what was wrong with me. i feel very empowered in my manic phases, and feet clever, (mentally and physically) . in this phase, people find me very charismatic and i love myself and others, and am very creative and productive. i can also make the most incredibly stupid business decisions at this time, and some of my "creative ideas" can be quite unrealistic. my manic phases can also jump to extreme irritability and impatience with others. of course, all i can see at this stage is that everyone is an idiot, and engaged in a giant worldwide conspiracy to piss me off. this is when my "charisma" wears off and i end up alienating many fine people. fortunately, all my life i have had at least of couple of understanding friends and family who have stood by me, despite the confusion hurt i must cause them.
when i inevitably crash into depression, i am filled with remorse and horror at the abusive and mean things i have said to people and spend a lot of time "cleaning up" after myself, explaining, apologizing, trying to make it up to them. some people have responded favorably to this, others have rejected me forever after. (i can't really blame them).
i have had life long insomnia, and so do not sleep for hours and hours when depressed. i force myself to shower everyday and clean up the house and perform the minimal duties i can get away with and then just read book after book after book. i find this almost like meditation to me, and the only way i can get through this period. otherwise my mind is occupied with planning suicide. i have written out my will and final instructions about a gazillion times. i know every method of suicide there is, i am sure, and sometimes i wonder how it is that i am still here.
i have never been hospitalized, as i have always been afraid that if anyone knew how "crazy" i am i would never get out. i have sought medical help, and tried almost every medication that has been devised. i found them all horrific in one way or another, for me and my body chemistry, and totally quit taking them about 6 years ago. i NEVER drink alcohol, but i do self-medicate with marijuana, this being the only substance that brings me any relief from both the mania and the depression. some might say that this could be the cause of my disorder, but i suffered from it (bi-polar) long before i smoked marijuana. i also make sure to take vitamin supplements. calcium with magnesium and zinc, a good multi, mega b's and an omega fatty acid combo. entering peri-menopause has really exacerbated my problems lately (hormonal changes have always affected me intensely) and so i am taking the "mini pill" right now to see if that will help. apparently my estrogen is fine but i am producing virtually no progesterone.
i am trying to recognize my different phases at the early stages, and try to control them, and at least warn my family and loved ones when i feel an "episode" coming on. sometimes i am successful and sometimes not, but i am determined to somehow gain control over this condition. it is so helpful to read of other's experiences with this disorder, and makes me feel less alone. it let's me know that other's do understand and relate to this. it is a hard one to explain to someone who has not been there. i wish all of you peace and healing.
I am 32 years old, and have just been diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. I think that I have had this disorder since I was a teenager, but with parents who are more interested in their "standing" in the community, and a father who is a religious zealot, I was always told that I was evil, and that only God could help me. Well, going to church did not help with the feelings of worthlessness and the self-loathing that I would feel when I am depressed, and the compulsive spending sprees, and the promiscuity, and the thinking that other people were talking about me, and the paranoia, and the inability to hold a job, and the inability to stay in any kind of a relationship for any amount of time, thanks to my erratic behavior, and my tendency to become aggressive and violent when I'm in a manic stage. I finally decided to seek help when my husband, who has been the only one there for me ( you've probably already guessed that my family isn't supportive), said that he was going to leave me and take our infant son, because he didn't want our child to be hurt by me. With the help of meds (mainly lithium), I am starting to be able to live some semblance of a "normal" life. Stress seems to trigger these episodes, so I have started yoga, and stretching exercises. I have lost 40 pounds, and can actually talk to people without being paranoid and thinking that they are thinking negative things about me. The hardest part has been coming to the realization that my family will always be relatively unsupportive of me, and critical of me. They don't understand, or don't want to believe, that I have a medical illness, and that I have no control over this, without meds and counseling. If this story will help just one person deal with the pain and alienation that this disorder causes, I will be very happy. You need to get help, you can't deal with this alone, I read somewhere that up to 20% of BP's commit suicide without professional help.
Kathy
Feel free to e-mail me at ynotzx@aol.com
I am a 24 year old woman who has just been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had had several depressive episodes while in college, but I never realized that my sometimes explosive temper and what I always thought was "bad PMS" was really manic episodes. After I went through a horrific divorce from a mentally ill man who thought that as long as I did what he wanted, he would be well (hint, it doesn't work!), and lost a wonderful job, I entered a severe depression, that was not treated for two years, until it got so bad I slashed my legs up with an Exacto knife to put the pain on the outside, and I voluntarily admitted myself to the state mental health hospital.
I was diagnosed as depressive (what a surprise), but the doctor, when I told him about my racing thoughts (I didn't know that was abnormal, I thought everyone had them), wanted to put me on a mood stabilizer, which I promptly said no to, I was just depressed, I didn't need the other drugs, this was temporary, I would get over it. Within two days of being placed on Prozac, I had one hell of a manic episode, had a screaming crying panic attack while on an overnight visit at home (I went back to the hospital after 2 hours outside), and while I waited for the doctor to come back to work, I frantically crocheted an afghan, walked around the hospital grounds about four times, and seriously thought about walking off the grounds to Oklahoma City (the hospital was 30 miles outside of OKC, but I still thought this was possible).
I spent the weekend popping Vistaril so I wouldn't explode with all the energy that flooded through me. As soon as the doctor came back on Monday, I saw him and said, "You know, that mood stabilizer sounds like a good idea," They couldn't put me on lithium because I have rheumatoid arthritis and the meds I take for that does nasty things to lithium levels. I was placed on Neurontin, and the day I was on the full 900 mgs, I was calm for the first time in my life. I had thought everyone usually felt like their mind was running 90 miles ahead of their body.
The doctor still hadn't said the phrase "bipolar" to me, instead saying I was depressed with borderline tendencies (b/c of the self-harm).
When I was released from the hospital, I started going to a doctor and a therapist at the Central Oklahoma Community Mental Health Center. When I had a odd reaction to one of my meds, I sneaked a look at my chart when the doctor wasn't looking and saw, in clear type "Axis II-Bipolar Disorder". I freaked out when I got home.
I have had physical problems for most of my life, but I had always depended on my mind. I'm a fairly smart person, was valedictorian of my high school, was in the honors program in college, have a B.A., and am a writer. The fact that I had a serious mental disorder blew my mind, that this was not going to be a temporary thing, that this was for life. I've calmed down a little, mostly because I have learned how common it is, and how it doesn't have to ruin my life. Knowing I'm not the only one has helped a lot.
It doesn't have to ruin your life, you just have to realize it's the same type of deal as if you are diabetic and have to take insulin. Sometimes you feel great, but if you don't take it, you'll get sick. I refuse to let it rule my life, now that I know what I have struggled with most of my life.
I am so glad to have found this site, as it has helped me understand my illness better. When I was growing up , in a very dysfunctional family, I remember being angry, physically abusive to my sister and ragefull at times.
I attempted suicide on several occasions and was hospitalized four times by the age of 15. At 16, I left home for good, drank, had a lot of sex and married a guy I knew for only 3 weeks by the age of 17. I'm very fortunate not to have contracted HIV. /I divorced and remarried by the age of 19.
My rages and depression started getting worse as the years went by. After having my first child, 3months after marrying the second time, I was ok for a while, then had the same symptoms. Ended up getting a second divorce 2 kids and 5 years later. I was finally diagnosed at age 28 and started on Lithium, then Depakote. I gained tremendous weight, so I quit taking my meds. I ended up pregnant again, yes 4 kids! I love them dearly, but I know that I need to be right in my mind to be a good mother. I know that I'm having trouble when I see little people climbing up my window sill in the middle of the night. Does anyone else have these types of hallucinations?
Now my 7 year old son has been diagnosed. Seeing him struggle with his emotions and demons that plague him hurts me deeply. I can't help but feel responsible. He is now in his second month and just starting to get better on the meds. I'm trying not to go on, but there is so much to say that I can't tell anyone else. I feel awful and anxious when I'm in a slump and my house could be a haven for rats. Even though I see it and it bothers me to the point of fear, I just can't do anything about it . Staying in bed for days is not unheard of. Then there's now, where I'm up late, my house is emasculate and I have boundless energy. It doesn't last. I'm not on meds now due to nursing, but I remember when I was on them how good I felt. Even to the point that when something should bother me, like my husband leaving us without money for food, rent, bills etc. because he spent it, I don't react. I need to find a balance. I pray I find a balance. Please pray for me. I will pray for all of you. Thank you.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 6 years ago. Sometimes i stay in bed for days. I still get up for work. I have periods of manic and depressive in 2 weeks and i don't know if I'm coming or going.
I'm 25 years old i was in denial for 5 years. But all that time i longed for a normalcy. I've been job to job, Apt to apt spending sprees, and men. I have a few friends. I'm lucky they have always been there. I've lost lot of friends though when i drank too much , when i was manic .
Nobody could quite understand why i was having so much trouble with normal life activity. My mother told me that if i get medicated maybe my father would like me again and want to talk to me. I'm sure all of us have these type of issues. Sometimes i feel like i'll never be normal i'll spend my life asking for favors, stepping on toes, and being rude without knowing it.
Roommates kick me out cause i stay in bed or at the place too long they think I'm lazy. And men can't seem to understand my need to smother them.
I can't take care of pets I'm sick 7 times out of the year. The past 5 years seem like a blur and I'm alone it seems everyday of my life. I'm so glad to have seen this web site . There are no support groups in my area. Reading stories makes me realize I'm not alone.
I can't tell you how happy reading everybody else's story. I quit drinking, I run two miles every other day. I've lost 20 lbs, and I'm starting my meds. Thank you for letting me tell you my story and for letting me read yours.
I am 42 years-old and have been bipolar since I was 18. That was when I had my first manic experience. I was put in the state hospital and given the usual medications. I got out, but never took the medications because I was recovered and didn't consider myself sick. When I had this breakdown I was a freshman in a very good college and because of my illness I had to leave school. The next sixteen years were a roller coaster ride of getting sick and getting well. I could go for years at a time without having a manic episode, usually 3 or 5, but later every two years I would have an episode. Still, I never took medications because I never realized I was sick. I only took meds in hospitals when I was forced to. I was arrested many times for my outrageous behavior and actions.
My manias were the greatest. I never felt better or more confidant or closer to God. I didn't have anxiety or a care in the world. I thought I was rich or would soon become a millionaire. I was very creative; I could write the greatest poetry in a manic state. I think that is why some people don't want to take their medication--they miss the great way they feel. I know not everyone's manic episode is so great. Some people get fearful and paranoid and think the devil is out to get them. Anyway, I went a long time without taking medication. Finally, after my mania struck nine years ago and I got out of the hospital I started to take my meds. I could not tolerate lithium so I took depakote for a while. I didn't like the way that made me feel so I tried tegretol. My depressions were never really that bad so I didn't really take anti-depressants. Plus I always wanted to be on the least amount of medication as possible. I always thought and still do that medication was a way for people to be controlled. However, I have flourished on my medication even though I dislike taking it. I have flourished because once I realized I had an illness (I did a lot of reading and studying of bipolar disorder) I was able to go back to school at 35 years old and finally complete my college degree.
I finished school at the age of 40 and became a high school English teacher. I have accomplished this with God's help and being on medication. I know I can go off my meds and not get sick for a while but it is a crap shoot. I never know when the illness can strike. For example, two years ago my doctor lowered my dose (tegretol) and I eventually went into a manic episode. Thank God this was in the summer when I wasn't working. I had gone seven years without a manic episode. My two months of mania were great. I did some good poetry writing, but I had to pay the price of being arrested and hospitalized. There is a connection between mania and creativity. But is being sick worth the price of being creative? This is an individual decision. Everyone has to make their own choices.
I eventually did go back to work and am working full-time now teaching (a very stressful job). The point of my story that I would like to convey is that bipolar disorder is not a death sentence or the end of one's life. You can get well and accomplish things with God's help and your determination. Take it from someone who has been there and suffered through ten manic episodes over the course of twenty-four years. You can lead a good life and be bipolar. Find solace in other manic depressives because they truly understand what we go through. Things eventually will get better even though everyday can be a struggle.
Good luck in your walk with bipolar disorder. God bless all my fellow manic depressives.
To begin I just want to thank all of you who have helped me by reading about your experiences, through stories and poetry. Most likely I have had Bipolar my whole life. People used to think that it was only in your 20's that you saw Bipolar but now they are saying it is found in children too. Well I was a very serious child growing up. Also a very moody child. I was a very athletic teen though, and smart in classes. But my junior year my mood swings steadily got worse. I didn't really finish my junior year in high school because I was too depressed. I couldn't concentrate well, and was isolating myself away from people. I started eating a lot more and gained a lot of weight which made me even more depressed. I started packing everything in my room and throwing things away so that if I were to kill myself everything would be in order; or if I was going to run away my stuff would be together.
When I got older things became more serious because you can get into worse troubles the older you get. I have not gone to jail, but I have almost been charged with reckless driving. I took the high school proficiency so that I passed high school. Back then my parents didn't know what to do with me. No one did. My best friend was so angry at me because she thought that I was just trying to get attention. I was so sick of her that it was pointless in talking to her anyway. I was the outgoing one, or so she had thought. The friend who always had the good ideas and who made everything fun. But deep inside I had this monster trying to get the best of me.
I am now 21 years old and I battle the monster everyday of my life. My illness is labeled as a Bipolar Disorder. This illness has alienated me from friends and family. Many people just think that I am lazy when I don't get out of bed. But anyone who really knows me knows that I love to do things. It is not in my hands anymore when I am in my crazy depressions. I am under the control of my illness. I am an artist and I am not as inspired when I am on this medication. On the other hand I am not very inspired when I can not think because I am so depressed. So it is a compromise I suppose. I don't really know. I just wanted to tell anyone who needs to know that you aren't a freak if you are diagnosed with this. I hope that I could believe in that myself, and believe in myself. One of my favorite quotes is by the poet robert frost-"The best way out is always through".
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 2 years ago when i was 28. It's taken 2 years and counting to deal with the pain and embarrassment of all the things i did when i was manic. I bought $4000 worth of clothes in 10 minutes, I picked up guys off the street, I made sexual innuendos at just about every guy, I sent letters repeatedly to men who I thought made passes at me (letters went unanswered of course), I made a visit to my alma mater in kentucky and made a complete ass of myself on a panel, i ridiculed my former professors, i lost my boyfriend of 3 years (i viciously attacked him verbally and dumped him), I lost my job (fired), and I lost a whole slew of people who I thought were my real friends. And this is only maybe a quarter of my delusions then.
I had never felt betrayal before until after recovering from md. I know that I angered and scared my friends but what I was really hurt by was how some wouldn't take me back, couldn't accept me. Other friends rose to the occasion and accepted me back with warm arms, but the one person who i thought was my "sister" did not. That still hurts a bit. I hate living with "my secret". Like when I meet new people, they always want to know more about me but for me 2 years of my life were a big fat haze. (Why did you leave your job? Well, I was fired for poor work performance and erratic behavior and irrational thinking that all my coworkers were out to get me). I always want to say that I should be two years younger because i didn't really live those 2 years of md and recovery from it. But it has gotten easier meeting new people, I have realized I only have to share about myself what I want to. I am not obligated to spill my guts to everyone I meet.
Lately, I have been social and it's been great (though no new boyfriend yet). Still though I harbor paranoias that arose from my manic daze when I thought two men were stalking me. I told all my friends I was writing a novel about that. Oh the list of embarrassing things goes on and on. Luckily now they don't linger in me like they used to. My flashbacks used to torture me but thanks to a combo of Luvox and Lithium I got back on track and less obsessive compulsive. Now I am just on lithium and it seems to do the trick. Thank god. I pray to never have another manic episode again.
Sorry if I am rambling. It's late for me and I have an enormous deadline at work that is putting ridiculous amts of pressure on me.
What I'm musing about now is how much of what I did during when I was manic was NOT me? I am reading a book called BIPOLAR DISORDER and it discusses how artists have created while under the spells of mania and how mania uninhibits them as well as gives their brains disassociate thinking patterns which makes it easier to come up with new ideas. When I think about all the stuff I did when I was manic, the bold things I said and did, I do realize that some of it is what I wished I could do normally, some but not all. (oh by the way, in reference to an earlier post - I too was called Satan. My mother said prayers over me - trying to push Satan out. It was very sad and I was so depressed I let her do it. )
How do you all think about your manic daze?
Thanks. Please email me at ms_edithedith@hotmail.com . I so desperately would love to find a support group or at least people who understand that even though this happened to us, we are still capable of living "normal" lives.We can all survive this! ps - I really recommend regular exercise.
2 years ago I was sitting at home and I had gotten upset about not being able to go to New York with my chorus group. I was sick physically and unable to do anything. That night I went into a rage and decided that no one loved me because my parents were gone and had been for hours. About an hour later I had taken 12 pills and I was rushed to the hospital to have my stomach pumped. That night my brother and my boyfriend at the time had found out along with all my other friend. They cried and their band wrote a song for me. I realized that someone did love me. I was 15 and going through so many changes. I didn't understand why God had chosen me to carry this burden.
I'm 17 now and I'm off all meds. At the time I was diagnosed I was addicted to drugs and alcohol. I was out of control. Sometimes I get scared and depressed, especially when things happen really bad in my life. But then I just think about having that tube down my throat and knowing that I never want to go through that again. No one listens to what I have to say. They just see another crazy person. I don't think it's fair to treat me different, when sometimes I'm not crazy as they are. But I believe it's been hard on me because I didn't expect this. I had no family tree to look back on and say "one day I may have a mental problem." But it's not a problem it's a gift.
I was diagnosed as bipolar in May last year. I was in the hospital for 10 days after becoming very manic. I thought the end of the world had come and I was trying to figure out if I was going to heaven or hell. It was pretty bad! My sister in law who knows almost nothing about manic depressive illness called me satan because I stood up to her for the first time and told her what I thought of her. She put down almost everything I ever did and said that her God was the true God. Not my God. Anyway I feel I am better off staying away from her at all costs because of how she could affect my health. Since my diagnosis in May, my mother died after battling diabetes and kidney failure and finally heart disease. My dog was run over and nearly died. We have to sell our house because of bad finances due to my illness. I lost 2 jobs including one in a church. My daughter has had problems and I blame myself for that. I have seen fear in my husband's eyes because of me. Needless to say my self esteem is near 0. I want to live, but yet I don't look forward to anything in life. Not the change of the seasons or holidays. We did not even put up a christmas tree last year. I wake up and think {could this really be my life?}
My father and those left in my family are a very poor support system for me. There are stories there that would take took long to tell but are very very painful. I have never been a really optimistic person, but now being bipolar. I think life is a big pile of s__t. Sorry if this is so bad that you would not want anyone to see it, but it is deeply felt believe me. I love my husband and my daughter and they love me, that is the only good thing about living for me. I pray it gets better. God help me!
p.s. My meds are actually working as far as keeping me non manic or severely depressed to the point of wanting to die. Thanks for listening.
