Isolation: For Partners of Someone with BPD

by Randi Kreger

BPD is a devastating disorder-both for the person who has it and their family members. Partners often find themselves becoming isolated, losing both family and friends to the craziness and jealousy that sometimes comes with living with a BP partner. This article is about the effects of isolation on partners. This article is taken from a section of a 70-page booklet called Love and Loathing by Randi Kreger and Kim Williams-Justensen. You can obtain the entire booklet by calling 888 35 SHELL. It is not available in stores. The other book mentioned, Stop Walking on Eggshells, is available at the same number. 

Ms. Kreger is the Author of the best-selling books Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder and The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook: Practical Strategies for Living With Someone Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder.

The Effects of Isolation
Isolation is an extremely powerful weapon. It can be used to break people down, causing them to lose hope, self-esteem, and even their individuality. It is effective and swift.
It very unlikely that your partner is consciously using isolation as a tool to get what they need. But it doesn't matter. It works just the same.
Following are some questions to help you determine if you have become isolated:

· If so, is it because your partner insisted you stop visiting others, was jealous of other friends, or made threats?
· Would you be embarrassed if people knew about your private life?
· Are there absurd "rules" you must follow that you would never tell anyone? For example, one BP was furious at her husband because of the way he chewed. So for the next 15 years of the marriage, he ate in the kitchen. His children thought all fathers ate in the kitchen and were surprised to learn it was different at their friends' houses.
· Have you made large sacrifices for your partner that have taken you away from friends and family for a long time? For three years, one husband worked two jobs and took care of their three children by himself to avoid "stressing" his BPD wife. Yet at a group therapy session, she angrily claimed he had done "nothing" to support her in years. 
· Do you feel so responsible for your partner that you avoid leaving the house?
· When was the last time you made a new friend, took a class, went to a movie your partner didn't want to see, or took a day trip out of town?
· If you're on the phone when your partner comes home, do you quickly hang up to avoid answering questions about the call?
· Do you avoid contact with members of the opposite sex when you're with your partner so you won't be accused of wanting to have an affair? 

The Prisoner Study

Many years ago, some researchers conducted a very interesting experiment. They took a group of college men and divided them into two groups: the "prisoners" and their "captors." Professors put both groups into a fake "prison" and asked them to play their roles, giving them little instruction.
To their surprise, the men fell into the roles with little trouble. The "guards" became harsh; some unduly so. As the "prisoners" became isolated from the rest of the world, became depressed and began to think of themselves as the low-life scum (and worse) the "guards" called them. 
The conditions became worse, with the jailers becoming increasingly cruel. 
Amazingly, none of the "prisoners" complained to the professor or even asked to leave or be dropped from the study. The study was called off early because of concerns for the mental health of all involved. Years later, the students still recalled how helpless and isolated they felt--so much they began to "forget" it was a study.

Vietnam Prisoners

The real prisoners from the Vietnam conflict report that coded communication with other prisoners was one of the most important factors in their ability to endure the isolation and torture of the camps.
The men developed a simple code of taps to communicate and did so on a regular basis, ignoring their captor's threats of torture if they were caught "talking." 
In books and radio interviews, the former prisoners said that what kept them going was the knowledge that they needed to be there to support the other prisoners. 

Learned Helplessness

In another experiment, researchers divided a large, rectangular fish tank into two squares by putting a glass barrier in the middle. Then they put a barracuda on one side of a fish tank and its usual prey (mackerel) on the other side. Again and gain, the hungry barracuda tried to get at its meal; repeatedly it hit against the glass barrier. Finally, the large fish gave up. 
Then the researchers removed the glass. And the barracuda stayed in its half of the tank and eventually starved to death. The fish developed what researchers call "learned helplessness." 
People (especially children) can also develop learned helplessness when they unsuccessfully and repeatedly try to escape a hurtful person or situation. For example, many non-BPs feel unable to help themselves. Even simple solutions (like changing a telephone number or leaving the room) escape them. It's not because they're unintelligent. It's because they've been beaten down. 
Now, imagine what it's like to live for years with someone who disrespects you, abuses you, invalidates you, considers their needs more important than yours, and constantly changes the rules and then punishes you for not obeying them. 
You will experience the problems outlined in Chapter 4 of Stop Walking on Eggshells (SWOE) by Randi Kreger and Paul Mason, MS, even if you started out with a healthy self-esteem and a happy childhood. 
If you didn't--if you're more vulnerable than the average person because you come from a particularly dysfunctional family--it can take just a few months of abuse for you to feel trapped in another sort of prison. 

Other Important Issues
Non-BPs in the first stages of someone who loves a partner with BPD (see SWOE p. 222) also identify these problems on the WTO support group. Most of these can be addressed with the limit-setting skills discussed in Chapter 6 of SWOE.

· Losing their own identity as they struggle to cope with their partner's disorder.
· Living with constant chaos.
· Worrying about their partner's money habits, suicide or self-harm attempts, and other destructive behaviors.
· Feeling manipulated in ways subtle and not-so-subtle.
· Feeling unsure about their moral and ethical obligations to a partner suffering from a disorder they did not cause, but will not admit to or work on. 
· Facing legal, work, monetary or other external problems because of their partner's behavior.
· Worry, concern, and confusion about the best way to protect their children. (See Chapter 9 of SWOE.)
· Wondering if their partner really loves them and if any intimacy is real, or if it is just part of the disorder. 
· Wondering what "they did" to make their partner act so different from the early courtship days. (Nothing. It's the engulfment/abandonment issue that characterizes the disorder: SWOE p. 67). 
· Wondering how much they should give in to their partner's demands--however unreasonable--just to keep the peace. One woman stopped watching television and attending crowded events because her partner was sure she would see someone she liked better than him. (Again, see Chapter 6 of SWOE.)


What to Do About Isolation

This article is too short to address all the things you can do about isolation detailed in Love and Loathing and SWOE. But the first step to overcoming isolation is knowing about it and deciding to do something about it. If you've found yourself drifting further and further away from supportive people in your life, you need to know how to set limits with the BP in your life and get back in contact with friends and family. Then you need to think about whom you can trust-who is really looking out for you-and be honest with them about what is going on in your life. They care about you and want to see you. And you need to see them.


Randi Kreger
www.BPDCentral.com