Ask the Therapist
Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome
In 1983 whilst training as a paramedic, I contracted meningococcal septiceamia which has an extremely high mortality. I survived but was
hospitalized for four months as I developed full thickness skin necrosis on both legs and superficial damage to my arms. I required extensive plastic surgery ( grafting ) and due to an oversight by the medical
personnel, they did not tell me what my legs would look like after they had "removed" the necrotic areas. I was extremely traumatized by what I saw and the only consolation was that my face had not been affected. ( I would have probably O.D ). I had
numerous painful surgeries and my dressings used to take 2.5 hours every day. I was extremely depressed and was given medication and had several "sessions" with a clinical
psychologist after my discharge from hospital.
I live in South Africa, land of sun and sea and I live 1km from the beach, but I hate my legs and only wear long skirts or pants, It is really depressing that most of my friends can wear shorts and costumes but my husband ( who is a surgeon by the way) isn't bothered by my scars ( just as well). Anyway I managed o.k until April last year when I discovered that I had a Basal Cell Cancer on my nose!!!!.And yes you've guessed it I needed a full thickness
graft. ON MY FACE. I reacted in an extreme manner when told I had to have a graft and although I have had other grafts, ops and three children with no problem at all this was different, I actually ran out of the operating theatre as the
anesthetist was going to put me to sleep. Eventually my husband, who was operating next door was called in and he took me back. In recovery I pulled out all my lines and tried again to run away. by climbing over the sides of the bed and fighting the nurses.
Back on the ward I had stashed some urbanol and again ran into the bathroom and took them ( I didn't think I would before I came into the hospital but something made me) again my husband - shame- had to "sort me out" and I fought like a tiger before they could get the
NG tube down my throat. Anyway needless to say I got a psych consult and a "guard" and ended up staying in hospital for 10 days. I saw the psychiatrist about 8 times in total ... I hated the effects of the medication so eventually I stopped taking it and I was OK until NOW!!
On Friday I went back to my plastic surgeon as another area on my nose looked suspicious and now I have to go through the whole thing all over again - and I can't - the tears just flowed when he told me although I wasn't crying and I felt as if I wasn't there. I keep thinking that it's just a dream and that it will go away, but I don't know what to do. I seem to react in an extremely excessive way and even though I don't want to it just happens, as if I were someone else and I am in a dream looking on.
The psychiatrist diagnosed me with PTSS last time but that didn't really help and he really was useless as far as I was concerned. Please can you advise me as I am really scared that I may react worse than before even though I don't want to. By the way I am trying a cream first to see if that get rid of some of the bcc. The odd thing is that to everyone I am quite O.K about it all and in fact quite
blasé, but inside I feel like I am going to
explode .If it was anywhere or anything other than my face I would be perfectly fine but its not and that is the problem.
One other thing, I 'm constantly reminded about my original trauma by just looking at my legs every day and there is not much
I can do about that. I am also inclined to go over the whole episode before I go to sleep at least once a week, and now
I am doing the same thing with the nose story.
I don't know really what I am asking you but it helps to write it all down. Do you think it is PTSS and what should I do, as I don't have much time before my face is going to be chopped up again. I suppose I could live in the middle east and wear a
Burqha.!!!!
I expect that your husband would think you much too pretty to wear a Burqua, no matter what the circumstance. That said, what you are describing is indeed a latent, situation specific PTSD. When you were originally scarred, it took away part of who you perceived yourself to be. It changed your life, your lifestyle (at least for a time) and, ultimately, changed the way that you "present" to the outside world. This had to be a blow to your self perception.
While the body is impermanent, grows old and decays, it is still the seat of our subjective identity -- the ego. That one would experience an assault on that identity and then have to revisit that assault with the concentration being upon the very focus of self-image, the face, your reaction is completely understandable.
What you need to work on is resolving for yourself that the surgery on your legs and that on your face had completely different outcomes. As you did not mention it at length, I expect that the facial graft was negligible in terms of its effect on your appearance. Is this surgery going to be any different? Focus on the reality of the outcomes, not the anticipatory anxiety. Finally, hold fast to the idea that, as evidenced by at this point 20 years of marriage, the person you hold most dear will only respond with support and understanding.
