Ask the Therapist
Long Term Depression
I have suffered from Depression as long as the 7th grade. I'm 35 have tried numerous SSRI's and numerous therapists. I still cannot shake this dark, draining depression. I am unable to figure out what I want in life, where I want to live, if I want children etc etc. I sometimes want to buy a house but then I don't want to be stuck in the city I'm living in, but I don't know where else I would want to live and besides my family and boyfriend live here and I wouldn't want to leave them. For some reason I just can't seem to grow up and make any sort of commitments. I have very low self-esteem . I never settle in anywhere, I'm always thinking like there's got to be something else. I'll take classes that interest me at first but then I usually drop out because I get too depressed to go. I can't finish projects and I'm always tired. I work but that's about it. Then I go home and have to spend time with my boyfriends 7 year old and I just get irritated and feel hateful inside. I used to LOVE kids and now they just bother me. Everything just bothers me. I feel like I"m getting worse. I want help but then I figure we're all just going to die anyway so what's the point? Everything seems like just way too much of an effort. Do you suggest to keep trying more therapists?
"We live, we die, but death not ends it." -- Jim Morrison, An American Prayer.
You are quite right, we are all going to die. In fact, we start dying the moment we are conceived...funny how that works. One of the most difficult things for any human being to get their mind around is the idea of impermanence...that change is the only constant. Why make a commitment to something...anything...if everything is just going to change, decay and return to "the red dust", as the Buddhists are fond saying.
There is an amazingly simple answer. Because we're here. Our sole purpose is to exist and in that existence to bring the gift our presence to the world and the people around us. It is to give of ourselves, to bring what we have to the community around us and contribute what we can to be a part of the greater whole. It can be as simple as planting a flower or rescuing a cat, or as grand as writing a symphony or architecting a nation. It is not who we are, but what we do. That is our legacy to the world into which we are born. And every little thing counts.
Do you know that in some cultures, they do not have a concept called "self-esteem"? The culture does not dwell on their "separateness", as we do in the West, but, rather, on their "collectiveness". The idea that all things are connected and each one of us is a very important part of a greater whole.
Your inability to make a commitment is about fear. It is not an inability to commit to a thing or an idea or a job, but your inability to commit to yourself..to get your mind around the idea that you are worthy of that thing in which you are interested. How can you possibly stick with something when you've convinced yourself that you are not good enough? And your irritation and rage is not about the person or thing with which you are dealing, but it is frustration with yourself in knowing, in your heart of hearts, that you are creating the obstacles to your own ability to commit and you are the only one responsible for that.
Yes, seek therapy. Yes, try meds again...not because you need to be medicated, but because it supports the anxiety of getting out of your comfort zone of defeat. It's a scary place to come to when you realize that you do have needs and goals and that you can achieve them simply by making a different choice. Have faith -- faith in yourself.
