Ask the Therapist
Narcissistic Husband
My husband of 23 years has been diagnosed anti-social and narcissistic. Briefly, he was abandoned by his parents at age 11 (they joined a cult) and had virtually no interaction with them until age 18 when they got out of this cult.
I married him that same year. He was 18, I was 21. His behavior was what I considered to be immature and irresponsible. I thought he'd grow out of it... Now, at age 40, he appears to have no clue as to what is right vs. wrong (yes, he is a type "B" personality) and worse yet, doesn't care.
He is obsessive. Everyday for 23 years he has brought up my past boyfriends (bear in mind we've been married 23 years!!!). He also has an obsession with oral sex --- constantly making remarks out of context. He has no regard for other's feelings and his bad example does not stir him to change his behavior. Example: We'll be talking about something completely unrelated, his remark will be "I bet you liked ---- with your boyfriends!" He is completely unreasonable, all roads go back to the same thing.... imaginary boyfriends and oral sex!
Other major problems areas have been his verbal abuse, lying, controlling, anti-social behavior (stealing, heavy involvement with drug 4 years ago etc.). The drug use is what prompted the personality assessment. Now, he has replaced drugs with alcohol and the situation is almost unbearable. He isolates himself in all his activities ie: TV, computer, guitar. He is seldom social. I know he absolutely craves being loved, and I love him greatly, but he continues to feel unloved, despite my efforts.
He does not believe he has a problem.
Maybe I'm the nut for sticking it out with him. But, I truly love this man dearly and would like to continue in our marriage, assuming the behavior could change. I do not blame him, but rather his parents for what they did to him. Years ago, he acknowledged the abuse he endured. The past few years he has been in denial and says he "got over it." Is there any hope or am I fighting a losing battle?
There's good news and there's bad news. The good news is, you are an extraordinary human being. The bad news is, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. If your husband doesn't believe he has a problem, that is an almost insurmountable obstacle.
That said, the behavior you've described here does not jibe well with the diagnosis he's been given. If a therapist has said that he is anti-social, then it was a careless use of the language because that implies Anti-Social Personality Disorder -- what in the old days we called a sociopath. Unless there are bodies in the back yard or little old ladies who have been swindled out of their life savings somewhere, anti-social is a strong description. Similarly, although your husband may be a bit self-centered, he actually (in his isolation, etc.) shows behavior that is quite the opposite of narcissistic. Curious.
It sounds to me, and this is an opinion, that what you've got on your hands is someone who is suffering from an on-going depressed state (not depression, as a diagnosis) that is being driven by a deep insecurity and lack of personal identity. He looks more Borderline than anything to my eyes. Especially with the non-sequential references to your past relationships, the lying, the stealing (an anti-social behavior, to be sure -- but, on close examination, one that is probably driven by something else), self-destructive activities, rejection of social contact, while craving love...that's a pretty good fit.
What can you do?... Look after yourself, for one. Then maybe bring him into marriage counseling as a way to get him to therapy...any decent therapist will pick up on the other stuff and be able to work with it in tandem, while not looking like s/he is attacking your husband or you two are ganging up on him. Finally, you need to understand your own motivation for staying with a situation which sounds fairly untenable..."because you love him" doesn't hold water. Your motivation for staying runs much deeper, and may be much darker than that and you need to be aware of it, for your own sake.
