Ask the Therapist
Emotional Masochism and Codependence
Is there such a thing as emotional masochism, and if so, what does one do about it? I will add that I suffered considerable emotional abuse as a child. Now, I fear it has been "converted" into pleasure...
Of course there is. It is one of the prime motivators for emotional distress in post-modern society. I could go on and on about this topic, but I won't...only to say that your perception is quite correct.
Firstly, we, as humans, tend to repeat our traumas as a means for working through them. This is a sub-conscious defense mechanism that is meant to be adaptive. The rub is that, if you didn't have the tools in the first place, what makes you think you're going to have the tools the second or third or fourth time? Emotional masochism is the foundation for co-dependence. It is also the root of the co-dependent aspect of Borderline personality. My mentor used to call it 'lap-climbing'...someone always needs to be the adult and someone always needs to be the child (read: victim)...and the two tend to flip-flop.
The key here is that you understand you're doing it. Now, you have to realize (as in, make real) your desire to stop and move on to a healthier type of relationship that does not demand that you distort yourself in order to feel like you are loved. Take a look at
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie
and there is also a self-help book called Facing
Love Addiction : Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love by
Pia Mellody, and Andrea Wells Miller that gives an 'ordinary-folk' sort of point of reference for this condition.
