Ask the Therapist
Dating Woman With Possible BPD
I am at my wits end...
Brief hx: I was dating a woman who, after several months I became convinced has BPD. Also self admitted OCD and definitely some PTSD sx from an abusive relationship with her child's father. We had been together for over a year, but always an on-again off-again, marked by several fits of rage and anger on her part, the classic love you/hate you relationship. Finally and unexpectedly at around Christmas, she said she'd had enough of my "spineless" relationship with my ex-wife, and my 6 year old son, whom she feels is mean, disrespectful and doesn't get along with her 6 year old (who by the way she treats as if he were about 4 and he acts like it). So we parted in December, but addicted as I had become to her, I didn't entirely let go and did continue to try to have contact and get back together with her. Finally, about 3 weeks ago, she initiated phone contact and agreed to come to dinner, where things went incredibly well. We had lunch that same week and between the messages she gave me, the things she said, and things that her best friend told me, I firmly believed that she wanted to be with me again and wanted to make it permanent (marriage). But from that point on, although she still continued to say things that were definitely positives about us and long term relationship, she at the same time completely cut me off from seeing her or talking to her. Wouldn't return my calls, wouldn't answer her phone, would make plans to see me or be with me but then would completely blow me off and ignore me. I tried being more assertive, as that is what she has said she liked me to do in the past and it only angered her. I discovered that she was dating someone but she told me she had told him that she didn't want to see him anymore and she wanted to be with me, only to learn that the person she was "dating" she was actually living with, which I later learned was an extremely impulsive decision on her part, which she apparently now regrets. After leading me to believe 3 weeks ago that she wanted to be with me again, and in a long term relationship, now she says that she can't handle all of this (me wanting her, her saying she wants me, but her continuing to live with her
roommate/boyfriend? lover?) and she wants no contact with me right now. She perceives me as crazy because I sought her out after I was getting constantly led to believe she wanted me in her life, and she is not dealing with her stress over all of these situations. Her hx is to attack, then retreat (disappear and cut off contact). So now I am in limbo with her once again..
Hearing all of the things she has said, alluded to, told others, she loves me and wants to be with me. But yet after saying those things, she takes no action or follows through with anything that shows that she actually does love me and wants to be with me.
I am so confused, disappointed and sad at these developments, I am actually depressed, started on Effexor again (had not taken it since 2001 after my divorce).
I don't know what will work with her....just leave her alone and hope she comes around, or keep trying to show her that I really do want her in my life again.
What strategies work best with BPD females? I seem to have tried lots of interventions and strategies, none have been too successful for very long.
She is 35, never married. Does abuse alcohol on and off, normally hypersexual, shows some bi-polar traits at times and does suffer from mild to moderate OCD.
I am 47, married twice now divorced. Usually pretty stable, except when things blow up with her.
Any good advice on dealing with this woman in this situation? (Other than "run away as fast as you can and don't look back!")
You work for, or are at least associated with, an organization that deals with long-standing behavioral issues. I am also guessing that if you do work for them, it is in one of the medical divisions. That said, "run away as fast as you can, and don't look back"...because you know better.
You are in a situation that is consistently volatile, self-devaluing and has driven you to medicate yourself to manage the anxiety associated with it. How, again, is this serving you? If it's the sex, no kidding...BPs are notorious for hypersexual behavior and being amazing partners. Let it go. In any case, just let it go.
It is possible to maintain a healthy relationship with someone who exhibits a BP profile. However, that person needs to participate in the maintenance of that relationship. She's not doing that. She's splitting and fabricating and doing all of those things that the BP character is so refined at doing. Again, think about yourself, and your sanity and move on.
