Ask the Therapist
Troubled Teenager
I need advice about my 13 year old daughter.
Her father and I divorced about 2 years ago. She's always been a bit of a
dramatic kid. But our divorce was a pretty smooth one, however shortly
after, the kids dad moved away over 600 miles. So that leaving me to be the
single mother/father to both of them.
After their dad moved away she became very distant from my family. Suddenly
becoming much closer to her dad's family. Then the mood swings
started(which is puberty and hormones of course) She's beautiful and
smart...but tends to 'hang out' with not such a good group of girls(one who
already thinks she's pregnant and is a smoker at 14) My daughter can't
understand why I say no to her about going with certain people and doing
certain things.What's black is white and white is black when it comes to me.
She made up a huge lie recently to her dad, when he was down to see them.
That a boy came in her window late one night. Which we found to be a lie
because the boy no longer lives in the neighborhood.
Over the weekend, she met someone that I've been dating. Which is the first
since her dad and I divorced 2 years ago. She was rude, cried,
disrespectful...Then on Monday was at a friends and was smoking...Got in
trouble for that, then yelled and cried and threatened to kill herself for 5
hours exactly because she got in trouble.
My question is...What do I do? Should I be firm, understanding, calm? It's
hard for me not to lose my temper and feel totally overwhelmed...when these
mood swings and crying hit..Sometimes it's too much stress and I feel like I
will totally lose control with her. HELP!
First things first...you. Your daughter is not making you angry...you are
making you angry. Your inability to maintain yourself in face of her
behavior is about your own feelings of lack of control, frustration and
fear. You need to work with that and maintain yourself in light of her
actions. Rule of thumb with teens and tweens...don't take it personally.
Secondly, kids need two things...structure and consistency. Both of these
things have gone away for her. And no matter your perception of the
divorce, and the state of the marriage before the divorce, it is not her
perception. You have no idea what she is thinking or feeling -- partly,
because she doesn't either. Her 'getting close to her Dad's family' is
symbolic of her need for structure...and structure does not mean discipline
and rules...it's about her own sense of safety.
Finally, the manner in which she was introduced to your boyfriend may have
played into her reaction. Did you pre-teach to her about your having your
own life and needing companionship, now that Daddy was gone?, did you
pre-teach to her that Mommy is going to date?, and have, needs, sex?, have
you spoken to her about sex yet?, drugs,?, smoking?. She's acting out, on
some level, to get attention...and kids don't care what kind of attention
they get, negative or positive...they just want attention. Do you 'catch
her being good'?...or just bad?
Straight talk, consistent responses, pre-teaching to change...these are the
tools you need to employ. She is a child, but if you 'handle' her, it'll
just piss her off.
Just a note...if she's hanging out with girls who are smoking and
having sex, the likelihood that she is smoking and having sex are pretty
high. You need to address these issues with her and not be afraid to do it.
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