Ask the Therapist
PTSD from Birth of Children
I don't feel like my issue is as urgent as many others. However, it's still
affecting my life more and more and I just want to know what to do.
I'm the mother of two wonderful healthy, active kids. My son is 3 and my
daugther is 18 months old. My issue is this: I find myself reacting very
strangely when either of them is crying and I don't know why. They might
just be having a bad day or feeling a little sick...they are fussy once in a
while like all kids. However, when mine get that way I get overwhelmed with
exhaustion, my head feels like it fills with pressure and I feel like I just
can't quite get enough oxygen, -not like I can't breath...but like I'm
breathing on the top of a mountain. All I want to do is make the crying
stop and crawl into bed and go to sleep. I also get very agitated and
sometimes angry. It's very irrational, I know that but I've come to believe
this is almost a physical/psychological reaction for me and I don't know how
to stop it. I do not react this way to any other kids but my own.
I'm thinking this reaction is related to my experience when they were
newborns. Even thinking about the period when they were newborns makes me
shudder. I don't like to think about it and I really dislike seeing
pictures of our family from those periods. I put them all away as soon as
they were developed.
Both of my babies were born after full-term gestations. The labors were
easy and their health and weight was great. I actually look on the time of
birth as a very satisfying experience in both cases. It's when they came
home that things went downhill. My son began to scream around 5 days old.
He started that morning and continued to get worse and worse through the
evening. He got to the point where he would scream to exhaustion pass out
and wake up screaming again. I brought him into the ER after a phone-nurse
told me to get him in right away. I got in the car at midnight thinking he
might be dying my entire 45 minute drive. I was 5 days postpartum,
exhausted, sore and terrified. When we got there the ER doctors probbed and
prodded my baby -they were just doing their job but it killed me to watch.
The most horrible thing they did was strip him naked and hold him down flat
under an x-ray machine. -again, they were doing their job. But, I was the
one standing behind the lead shield while my newborn was naked and exposed
under the machine that was creating the radiation we were protecting
ourselves from. It was the worst I had ever felt in my entire life. The
problem was me. I was nursing him and not creating enough milk. He was
dehydrated and hungry. After a switch to formula everything was fine and
things went well. I have always felt inadequate about my inability to
provide enough milk for my kids however.
Then my daughter was born. I was optomistic this time. However, I started
to have the same milk-supply problems right away. So, I supplimented her
right away and kept very close track of her weight. She seemed to be doing
fine on all accounts. -and then she began screaming around day 6.
-Almost the exact same scenario. We ended up going to the hospital at
1:00am after a phone-nurse consultation. The actual ER visit was not as
horrible. -but it reminded me so much of my other visit I couldn't stop
crying. My daughter was fine physically. She ended up being a colicky baby
and screamed at the top of her lungs until she was around 6 months old. She
about drove my husband and I off a cliff with her constant crying. We never
slept and we walked around with ear-plugs in to get away from the noise. It
was an extremely stressful 6 months for our family.
She ended up to be a very sweet, affectionate toddler...so why do I still
shut-down when they cry? If they cry for a reason, ie, they bumped their
head, it doesn't bother me I can fix it with a kiss. -but when they are
fussy and crying for no reason I can't deal with it.
I don't want to have this reaction anymore. How do I make it stop?
It sounds like you are suffering from some sort of traumatic stress,
possibly even Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The irritability is natural,
but the on-going nature of repulsion from photos and anger suggest something
more profound.
Best advice, seek some professional help from someone specializing in PTSD
and trauma.
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